I walked 5.25 miles today. I'm not mad, I don't want to scream, I'm not going to cry, but I'm pretty disappointed.
I've always wanted to be a runner. There's no real rhyme or reason. I just thought it would help clear my head, keep me in shape since I've always considered myself athletically challenged, bring more peace into my life. Maybe that's my rhyme and my reason.
Not only did I want to run I wanted to do a marathon. Not a 5K, not a half marathon, a full one. So at 3am one day last September I started running. I really wanted to do the OKC Memorial marathon. I've always wanted to do that run. Then I moved to Pittsburgh, so I decided their marathon would be ok. It'd give me more time to train anyway.
I rejoined a gym at the beginning of the new year and for someone who's entire athletic training could previously be summed up in one semester of Pilates during college, I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I even got up to 12 miles in less than 2.5 hours. That was the middle of February and the height of my training. It was hard, but going great. I had previously set a very achievable goal of doing the marathon in five hours. After that 12 miler I knew I could do it in 4.5 if I really wanted. Except when I tried to run 13.1 miles two weeks later my ankle was really bothering me. Not normal training aches and pains, but an actual 'I've got to take a break from running for a while this hurts so bad' sort of pain.
At first I was really upset, but then realized I could do the eliptical and bike in the meantime; work on muscles that would benefit my running. But when I was still in pain two weeks later while doing short runs I really hit a wall and I've had a terrible time trying to climb over it since.
The last two weeks have been a little bit better. It was too late to continue with the Hal Higdon's plan I was previously using because it would put too much strain on things that are still trying to heal. So instead of 3 medium runs during the week and a long run on the weekend per the previous plan, I decided to do the 1.75 mile loop around the neighborhood once a day six days a week to keep things loose and really focus on just getting through the long run on the weekend. Supposedly you can do a marathon even if you only do one long run a week. Your time won't be stellar, but you can get through it.
I'm not giving up. I don't want to throw in the towel. I'm still going to show up at the race. I'm still going to run or jog or walk when that gun fires off to signal the start. I don't know if I'll be able to finish, but what I do know is that I can't go any farther than my legs, or knees, of ankles will let me. I know that it'll still be an attempt at something most of my friends haven't even tried.
So I'm not mad, and I won't be mad if I don't finish. I will be disappointed, but disappointment after a valiant effort is a lot better than the anger I'd feel from not trying.